The Change Triangle - A Roadmap to Our Emotions
Kate Malone - Registered Clinical Counsellor at Vitality Collective Vancouver
What is the change triangle?
As humans, we are experts at trying not to feel our emotions. While we might succeed temporarily, not feeling our emotions disconnects us from our internal experience. The Change Triangle, created by Hilary Jacobs Hendel, is a visual representation of our emotional experience that can help guide us to feeling into our emotions and coming back to our authentic selves.
The Change Triangle outlines where we are in our experience in any given moment: in defences that help us not to feel our emotions, inhibitory emotions that block core emotions, or accessing our core emotions, paving the way to our authentic selves.
How can I use it?
We can use the Change Triangle to gain awareness about what is happening for us in the present moment. It can be used as a roadmap for any experience that is causing distress. As we move through the corners of the triangle, bringing awareness to defences, calming anxiety, and accessing core emotions, our brains and bodies can begin to communicate, forming a new understanding of the experience. This puts us in touch with our authentic selves, a place where we can respond with calmness and clarity.
Working with emotions in the body
In using the change triangle, you will be asked to notice and pay attention to sensations in the body. This may be a new concept for some, as we are not always taught that emotions are physiological experiences.
Sensations in the body are emotional markers that notify us of our emotional state. Think butterflies in the stomach when you are nervous, or your jaw being tight when you’re stressed.
The breath is an excellent resource for feeling sensations in the body. Taking deep belly breaths is calming, and also provides an anchor to the body when we return to thinking rather than feeling.
While using the change triangle, bring attention to sensations in the body, like any tension, movement, temperature, or pain. Use the breath to ground you. Doing so opens up a completely new channel of communication about our emotional experience.
The three corners of the Change Triangle
Defences
Defences are anything that keeps us from feeling our feelings. These could be thoughts or actions that take us away from the discomfort that accompanies emotion. Some common examples are negative thinking patterns, distracting ourselves on our phones, using substances, sarcasm, and even depression. Sometimes we are conscious of defences and sometimes we aren’t.
Defences range from being healthy ways of coping to destructive habits. We need defences to get us through life, but if we are always using them, we become out of touch with our emotions and with ourselves. Ideally, we use our defences when we need them but not all the time.
What to do in this corner of the triangle?
Try to notice if you are in defence. What are some common defences you are aware of using? When you become aware this is happening, simply shift your awareness internally. Ask yourself: what’s happening inside that I don’t want to feel?
Inhibitory Emotions
Anxiety, shame, and guilt are inhibitory emotions that block our core emotions.
We learn about emotions through social experiences, primarily as children. We learn what emotions are deemed acceptable or unacceptable by watching for responses in the adults around us. And since our basic survival instinct is to stay connected to those around us, a negative or positive response will inform what we do with the emotions we feel.
For example, if every time I got angry as a child my mother scolded me, I would learn it is not acceptable, even shameful, to express my anger. Or, if my father told me to “look on the bright side” any time I was sad, I might learn not to allow myself to feel sad.
Inhibitory emotions arise when we are conflicted about our core emotions – we believe that we are bad for feeling them, that we will be rejected for feeling them, or simply when we don’t know how to feel them. In this way, anxiety, shame, and guilt keep us connected to those around us, but also disconnect us from ourselves. They act as emotional stop signs that rise up to stop the core emotions we learned were unacceptable. They will keep showing up throughout our adult lives unless we actively try to change these patterns.
What to do in this corner of the triangle?
Pay attention to the sensations that accompany anxiety, guilt and shame. Take deep breaths, just notice the sensations as best you can. When we hold our attention to them, inhibitory emotions begin to calm, allowing for core emotions to emerge.
Core Emotions
We are all born wired to experience seven core emotions: sadness, fear, anger, joy, excitement, sexual excitement and disgust. These are biological impulses that tell us what we need, what we like, what we don’t like.
These emotions are communicated to us through sensations in the body. When we can feel into a core emotion, it provides guidance for us in how to proceed in any given situation. For example, anger motivates us to set a boundary when someone has treated us in a way we don’t like, and fear could let us know that a situation might be dangerous.
We aren’t always taught how to feel our emotions. However, if we are able to move through a core emotion, there is often a sense of relief or clarity.
Feeling into a core emotion is a lot like riding a wave. To do so, listen inside to the sensations that are arising, and let whatever you find just be there. Name and validate the emotion, “I’m feeling ____”. Using the breath to stay grounded, stay with the sensations until they peak and then fall, like a wave.
What to do in this corner of the triangle?
Continue to listen inside to the physical sensations that are communicating your core emotions. Name the emotion, validate it, and ride the wave! If you aren’t sure what you are feeling, you can “try on” different emotions. Do I feel sad? Do I feel scared? Sometimes there is more than one emotion.
Connect with your authentic self
Once we can move through a core emotion fully, we are connected to our authentic selves. In this state, we often feel clearer about how to approach a situation. It may not be resolved, but the distress we felt is gone, and we can move forward from a place of calm.
Some notes on using the Change Triangle
Although it can give us excellent insight, for some, using the Change Triangle may be difficult. If you have experienced significant adversity or trauma in your life, connecting to your feelings may feel difficult or overwhelming. A trained therapist can support you to slowly and safely begin to feel into your body and emotions.
Sources:
https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/what-is-the-change-triangle-c18dd
It’s Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel